Monday, March 12, 2007

Finding water... and my voice.

This last week or two have been really weird. I have noticed myself really resisting doing my morning pages, and not wanting to do some of the exercises... And I am not entirely sure why. I *think* I know why sortof... but I am not really sure.

There is this person in my life that does not know where to stop. I mean, this person has crossed some big boundaries with me and keeps pushing. I feel like they are about to push me over the edge of something really dark and really deep. And the worst part is that this person really believes with all their heart that the things they are telling me, and asking of me are the right things. They have even gone so far as to tell me that it is something that God wants of me. And try as I might I cannot avoid this person forever. This has been going on for over 6 months now and they refuse to back down... I have tried avoiding being places where they might be, like church... or even the neighborhood parks as they live only houses away from me. But not attending Church does me no good at all, so when I go I end up ducking around corners to not be seen. I have tried to gently explain why these things that are being told to me may be correct to other people, but it does not apply to me. I have tried to bury my stress and confusion with this matter in huge quantities of chocolate and Dr. Pepper... All that has accomplished is an extra 10 pounds. So... I finally just feel like I have hit a wall. I have allowed this person to leach the life out of me, to criticize all the parts of me that make me feel like an individual, to judge things that are foreign and therefor scary to them. All this they have done with the best of intentions which I appreciate but can no longer deal with. I feel like someone drowning. I am floating in a pool of all these words unspoken and choking on their silence.

I need to go in and just say it. Tell this person that I *do* appreciate what they are trying to do, that the intention has not gone unnoticed... But that they will stop now. There will be no more questions. No more council as to what this person believes needs to happen in my life. This person will know that they have far overstepped a boundary with me and I will have no more of it. When it is all typed out like this it seems so easy to do... But when I try to speak, nothing will come. My throat closes and I would be lucky to get a dry, hollow, whisper.

But back to Finding Water... I am struggling with it right now to be honest. I intend to keep on with it but I am going to be honest and say that the last week and a half I have really not been keeping up with it. I have managed a few walks, always with the kids in tow, which is okay. I did get to do one Artists Date the week before last, I got a much needed massage. And I do manage to get almost all of the Divining Rod exercises done. The ones I have not done yet I am really resisting... I need to do the ones where you describe yourself as a character, and also describing and naming my inner critic... Also I need to do one or two still from last week. But I will catch up on those and I have already committed to starting up with my morning pages again tomorrow. So... yeah.

In other area's of my life since it has been so long since I have written an actual blog, Kayden got glasses, his Rx amazingly high (a 10+), each eye doctor was astounded... He is wearing a 6 right now and we will have to go back every month or so to work him up to a higher Rx. But he is oh so cute in them!!!

Kayden and Jett on one of our walks, right after Kayden had his pupils dilated.

Kayden with his super cute glasses :)

I will be back to post more pictures from our walks tomorrow... and perhaps some more revelations into my life :)