Saturday, May 26, 2007

My eyes... MY EYES!

I think I may have caused permanent damage to my eyes today... Or at least my fragile ego.

You see, I went shopping for a bathing suit today and can I tell you that it is NOT a pleasant experience. It is considerably less fun now that I am a bit larger than I was in the days of yore. It used to be that I could walk into a place, point to the smallest skimpiest suit and know that it would look fabulous. I would know that the teeny triangles that covered my teeny boobs would somehow make them look voluptuous and shapely. I knew that the small bits of fabric that covered my perfect dimple free ass would hang just right... Not so anymore.

I don't understand how people get back to looking normal after having kids. In my first pregnancy I gained 70 pounds. Yes. SEVENTY. I weighed in at 200 pounds the day before I gave birth. Good times. My previously invisible breasts were now an impressive set of double D's. I had really awesome boobs. Like, they were my dream boobs. But then I lost 50 pounds. And got pregnant again, and gained 40 pounds, and then gave birth, lost 40 pounds... Got pregnant again, gained 35 pounds, and then lost about 30 after I had him... Then I gained back about 15 pounds. Is that right? I think so. What this super cool roller coaster has done is leave me all deflated and soft and gushy. Its hot, trust me. Rawwwr!

Anyhooooo, back to swim suit shopping. Which, by the way is not fun at all in and of itself... But when you add an almost 2 year old and an almost 3 year old into the equation it turns all kinds of ugly.

So, I grabbed a few suits off the racks... The least matronly one pieces I could find that did not look like they would drown my no longer large ta-ta's, and would not make my thighs look all jello-ey...

These were the contenders:

Not bad! I was surprised when I put it on and looked relatively GOOD! It was very attractive infact! But then I bent over and *bloop* my boobs popped right out the top. How exactly they achieved such freedom I shall never know. They are simply not large enough to go hopping out of things!

So, sadly that one went back on the hanger.

Next up was this one:

Or, actually one very similar to this. Instead of the twist thing it had a ring thing there. And it was red.

This one was probably my FAVORITE, it was a very beautiful color that just happened to be quite flattering... Only thing is, it was one size too small and it was the last one. It would work sooo well if I lost just a few pounds but I am not holding my breath on that one.

So, I wiped a tear from my eye and said my good-byes to that lovely suit.

The last suit I tried, and the one I ended up buying is this one:

This one was not my very favorite, but it fits alright. I would prefer a solid color, but the design is cute, and I think it might distract from the soft tummy I have going on. The only thing is that it is ridiculously low cut... Much more so than this picture would indicate. But, it does keep the girls in place and they have not been able to escape their spandex and Lycra prison yet... SO, even if you can see part of my sternum poking out at least you will not see my horribly deflated boobs.

I guess that as long as small children don't point at me and ask "what is that?" I am good.

Oh, and the best part about shopping for swim wear with the 2 youngest kids?

Me: (Setting the boys on the bench in the fitting room) Jett, Kael, you two sit here for one minute while I try these on.

Jett (2 almost 3): (laughing and pointing) Look at yow BOOOOOBIES! (then he reaches over and *yoink* PINCHES my nipple as I am bending over to step into the suit!!! I figure such an action is deserving of a sound effect, thus the yoink.)

Me: (shocked and in pain) Jett! Don't do that, we don't touch people there. Sit down please.


Me: Shhhhhhhh!

Girl in next stall: *laughing*

Yeah, glad thats over.