Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My true self

Well.... This month should be rather interesting. For the entire month of October we will be exploring our imperfect selves for the Self Portrait Challenge...

The Challenge: Look beyond the surface of your life, dig into your imperfect self and reveal it to us. I want to see the down and dirty you, the messy, gross and ugly you, the side of yourself that you always try to hide, give us some insight into your dreadful secrets. This can be your physical self or your personal space or within your wider life. Be not afraid!

Oh DEAR!!!!! So, yeah... my imperfect self. I guess the question is, just how much about myself am I willing to divulge? I think I will start small this week. Work my way up to the bigger, uglier things.

This is me. I find that I do not show my whole face to the world most of the time. I feel like I do not have a voice, I swallow my voice and keep everything inside. I tend to get flustered and lose my train of thought and speech when I get upset or feel attacked. This results in me saying nothing. I will sit there and not say anything even when I feel I really need to say something. This eats away at me and as a result I turn more inward, getting more silent, hiding who I am even more.

Over the years I have found that I am able to open up and be just me around certain people. These people have been my foundation... They are able to see and recognize when I am shutting down. They know I am trying in my own way to remain safe, and they know that the end result is never very good. These people are able to reach a hand over my wall I have built and help me back out. They will sit and talk with me for hours, or just sit in silence... They will tell me if I am being ridiculous, to snap out of it when I need to. They will push me in the right direction, and help me to figure out what it is my heart is really trying to say. They "know" me. They have seen the face I have a hard time showing, and somehow, miracle of miracles, they are still here. Still here, walking with me on my path through life. They have lived with me through the ugliest of ugly and they LOVE still.

I am working on showing my whole self, I am becoming more vocal... Even if it is only in the form of writing a blog. It is a start. I hope that one day I will be able to speak with no hesitation, I will just be myself... I am thankful that I have people in my life like my husband. Also I am grateful that I have been blessed with such friends. People that have known me forever, and have seen me during the absolute worst of it. These people are my true north in life. They all help me to be my true self.

Go see other imperfections here