Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What I need

Sometimes I don't have the words I need to express what I am feeling. Sometimes I do not know how exactly to make myself heard. Sometimes I am afraid that if I do say something it will be too much and then the people in my life will not be able to listen and they will turn away... I am worried that If I make known these things that live in my head that I will be thought of as negative and unhappy... I do not want to bring anybody down, and I do not want to be "dark and twisty" all of the time.

I try so hard to be positive, and have a cheerful disposition. Not to walk into the shadowy areas of my thoughts... But sometimes I cannot avoid it. There are times that I cannot control how I feel... This is apparently one of those times.

The last couple months have been difficult for me. I show a happy face and laugh off what happened acting like it was really no big thing, but in truth it has left a mark. I never thought that I cared so much what other people thought. I guess that sometimes I really do care. Why do I care, what does it really matter?

I am upset that I am so misunderstood. Frustrated that I was not really heard. Irritated that any of this ever became an issue in the first place. I find myself not wanting to attend my church meetings because it is inevitable that I will see the person who has hurt me. I also find myself suffering spiritually as a result of my self imposed break from church. But every week when it is time, I start to feel panicky and the thought of walking through those doors becomes more than I can deal with... So I lay back down and "sleep" until it is too late to go anymore.

And now with the questions... "Georgia, where have you been?? We have not seen you in weeks!" "Have you been out of town?" "Have you been sick, do you need anything?" Questions from people who really do care, who are "friends" of a sort... Not the people I can bear my soul to, but still friends. How do I say that all I need is to just be accepted for being me, and for that (being me) to be ok. That different is not bad... I just have a different perspective on life. I have different experiences, I dress differently, act differently, have different friends... And all of that is alright, not only is it alright, but it is GOOD!!!

These last couple months have been hard, they have taken a toll... I have lost about 7 pounds all because I cannot eat. I have to consciously make the decision to eat and then practically force myself... Unless its chocolate or Dr. Pepper.. Go figure. Not eating scares me, I don't want my eating disorder to take over again... Boo to that, 13 years is long enough. Half of my life spent on being bulimic, yuck. I want to be more that just that. I have GOT to pull it all together.

Moving to Utah will be good for me, I have so many more friends there. Friends that I have had for so long, who know me completely. It has been so long since I have sat and just been with people that close to my own soul. How many years since I have just lounged around in a pile with my dear friends and been able to laugh and cry and dance and be myself... Be free.

I hope our move happens soon. I have to get away from here... I need to hold hands with my girls, to spill my guts out to them, to finally sit together again.

I swear, I am not always like this. Usually I am the happy go lucky, fun loving girl. Always out for adventure... I love my life, I love the people in it. I have been blessed in more ways than I could ever list. But right now, in this moment I want to crawl into a little ball and hide under a blanket. I would give anything to see my old group of friends right now. Anything just to sit with them and breathe in their air. Just to sit under the stars in silence because none of us ever even needed words...