Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What I need

Sometimes I don't have the words I need to express what I am feeling. Sometimes I do not know how exactly to make myself heard. Sometimes I am afraid that if I do say something it will be too much and then the people in my life will not be able to listen and they will turn away... I am worried that If I make known these things that live in my head that I will be thought of as negative and unhappy... I do not want to bring anybody down, and I do not want to be "dark and twisty" all of the time.

I try so hard to be positive, and have a cheerful disposition. Not to walk into the shadowy areas of my thoughts... But sometimes I cannot avoid it. There are times that I cannot control how I feel... This is apparently one of those times.

The last couple months have been difficult for me. I show a happy face and laugh off what happened acting like it was really no big thing, but in truth it has left a mark. I never thought that I cared so much what other people thought. I guess that sometimes I really do care. Why do I care, what does it really matter?

I am upset that I am so misunderstood. Frustrated that I was not really heard. Irritated that any of this ever became an issue in the first place. I find myself not wanting to attend my church meetings because it is inevitable that I will see the person who has hurt me. I also find myself suffering spiritually as a result of my self imposed break from church. But every week when it is time, I start to feel panicky and the thought of walking through those doors becomes more than I can deal with... So I lay back down and "sleep" until it is too late to go anymore.

And now with the questions... "Georgia, where have you been?? We have not seen you in weeks!" "Have you been out of town?" "Have you been sick, do you need anything?" Questions from people who really do care, who are "friends" of a sort... Not the people I can bear my soul to, but still friends. How do I say that all I need is to just be accepted for being me, and for that (being me) to be ok. That different is not bad... I just have a different perspective on life. I have different experiences, I dress differently, act differently, have different friends... And all of that is alright, not only is it alright, but it is GOOD!!!

These last couple months have been hard, they have taken a toll... I have lost about 7 pounds all because I cannot eat. I have to consciously make the decision to eat and then practically force myself... Unless its chocolate or Dr. Pepper.. Go figure. Not eating scares me, I don't want my eating disorder to take over again... Boo to that, 13 years is long enough. Half of my life spent on being bulimic, yuck. I want to be more that just that. I have GOT to pull it all together.

Moving to Utah will be good for me, I have so many more friends there. Friends that I have had for so long, who know me completely. It has been so long since I have sat and just been with people that close to my own soul. How many years since I have just lounged around in a pile with my dear friends and been able to laugh and cry and dance and be myself... Be free.

I hope our move happens soon. I have to get away from here... I need to hold hands with my girls, to spill my guts out to them, to finally sit together again.

I swear, I am not always like this. Usually I am the happy go lucky, fun loving girl. Always out for adventure... I love my life, I love the people in it. I have been blessed in more ways than I could ever list. But right now, in this moment I want to crawl into a little ball and hide under a blanket. I would give anything to see my old group of friends right now. Anything just to sit with them and breathe in their air. Just to sit under the stars in silence because none of us ever even needed words...

Candy eating zombie children

Hmmm... I love Halloween. I love it A LOT!!! I like to get dressed up and walk around with the kids so that I can eat all their chocolate and leave them all the smarties and tootsie rolls... So, that is my halloween themed imperfection... I am a chocolate stealing thief... That's right, when I say "its like taking candy from a baby..." Well, lets just say that I MEAN IT!!! ;)

We took this photo on Saturday after we took the kids "trunk-or-treating". For those of you who are saying trunk-or-whaaaa??? It is when you go to a church parking lot or somewhere like that and everyone decorates the trunks of their cars and the kids walk from car to car trick or treating... Its nice, it takes only an hour tops and the kids get as much candy or more than they would walking the neighborhood... And if you are like me then you can pull out all the good stuff and then re-use the other stuff on halloween to hand out at the door... BRILLIANT! (I am terrible I know...)

Happy Halloween folks. You can go see other imperfections here

Friday, October 27, 2006

Good day

Today (actually yesterday if I am being technical...) was a good day. I finally figured out how to solder without it looking like a big blob of metallic poop. I created some fun little things... They are not entirely finished yet so no pictures.... but soon :)

I had a parent teacher conference with Kaydens kindergarten teacher (actually a sub because his teacher had her baby and wont be back till january...) And she told me Kayden is doing really well. no behavioral issues at all, the only thing he ever has a problem with is staying on task... hmmmm, sounds like he got that one from me. HA!

Infact, the only thing I could possibly complain about is that there was no new episode of Greys Anatomy tonight... No McDreamy... No George... :( I thought for sure it was on... but nope, the info said it was a rerun... boohoo. And i have been dying to know who the McHottie is that McDreamy apparently does the McNasty with... I know who it wasn't !!!!

Well, I am off to bed. Wish me a creative productive day tomorrow. Send my hubby good vibes so he remembers to send off his resume tomorrow to the company in Utah he wants to work for. So that we can MOVE AWAY FROM THIS HELL HOLE called Arizona... Mmmm... I am looking forward to this move. Oh yeah, by the way... We have decided to move to Utah! WHEEEEEE!!!!!!! :)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Peeking out

Lately I have been feeling like I want to do more. I have felt this many times in my life and usually I wait till it passes... But this time I am exploring my options a little more. As a mother of 3 young boys, a wife and homemaker, it seems I don't have much time to do the things I really want to do. But recently I have been making that time and it feels nice.

I want to do more. When I was 18 I had a fleeting dream of opening up a small shop where I sold found objects that I remade into art. I never did this, instead I became a Massage Therapist (which I really do love, but I sometimes get irritated with). I got married and started having kids. That has been my life these last years. A life that I love, but now I fell I need to do more. I have many many ideas running through my head, no longer do I want the little shop... but perhaps an online store??? My mom did it. And she knows NOTHING of computers...

Some of you have seen this photo already as I took it a couple weeks ago... But it fits well with my imperfection this week so I am using it:) My imperfection is that I am hesitant to actually step forward and so what it is that I want. I am unsure of how to approach it, how to find enough time, how to be successful with it... I know that i am good at the things I do... I don't know why I don't just jump forward and do it.

So, here I am peeking outside at what I want to do, what I could be doing... but I have not stepped out yet. Soon... soon I will take that step.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Late night drinking

That... Is me. It happens to be a picture of me right off of work... Tired, sore, hungry, and did I mention tired? A full night of giving massage with no breaks can do that to ya. Look at my uber sexy uniform shirt... can you see that I let it sit in the dryer a bit too long... nice curly collar there huh? ;)

Now... This one is me, after I get home from work, shower, change the clothes, and mosey on over to the Circle K around the corner. I admit it... I am hopelessly addicted to Dr. Pepper. Do you seeeeee how happy it made me? Mmmmmm, Dr. Pepper. Nothing better to drink late at night, or early in the morning, or mid-afternoon even... sweet syrupy goodness in carbonated form. YUM!!!

Go see other imperfections here

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My true self

Well.... This month should be rather interesting. For the entire month of October we will be exploring our imperfect selves for the Self Portrait Challenge...

The Challenge: Look beyond the surface of your life, dig into your imperfect self and reveal it to us. I want to see the down and dirty you, the messy, gross and ugly you, the side of yourself that you always try to hide, give us some insight into your dreadful secrets. This can be your physical self or your personal space or within your wider life. Be not afraid!

Oh DEAR!!!!! So, yeah... my imperfect self. I guess the question is, just how much about myself am I willing to divulge? I think I will start small this week. Work my way up to the bigger, uglier things.

This is me. I find that I do not show my whole face to the world most of the time. I feel like I do not have a voice, I swallow my voice and keep everything inside. I tend to get flustered and lose my train of thought and speech when I get upset or feel attacked. This results in me saying nothing. I will sit there and not say anything even when I feel I really need to say something. This eats away at me and as a result I turn more inward, getting more silent, hiding who I am even more.

Over the years I have found that I am able to open up and be just me around certain people. These people have been my foundation... They are able to see and recognize when I am shutting down. They know I am trying in my own way to remain safe, and they know that the end result is never very good. These people are able to reach a hand over my wall I have built and help me back out. They will sit and talk with me for hours, or just sit in silence... They will tell me if I am being ridiculous, to snap out of it when I need to. They will push me in the right direction, and help me to figure out what it is my heart is really trying to say. They "know" me. They have seen the face I have a hard time showing, and somehow, miracle of miracles, they are still here. Still here, walking with me on my path through life. They have lived with me through the ugliest of ugly and they LOVE still.

I am working on showing my whole self, I am becoming more vocal... Even if it is only in the form of writing a blog. It is a start. I hope that one day I will be able to speak with no hesitation, I will just be myself... I am thankful that I have people in my life like my husband. Also I am grateful that I have been blessed with such friends. People that have known me forever, and have seen me during the absolute worst of it. These people are my true north in life. They all help me to be my true self.

Go see other imperfections here

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Random late night drawings

All three drawings are using Sharpie pens and Prisma Color pencils.. I *heart* Prisma colors and Sharpies... :)

I have been in kind of a funk lately. When I am in a funk my art takes on a completely different form than when I am all happy happy joy joy. I was looking at some random late night drawings of mine tonight and figured I might as well post them. My "funk" art has distinguishing characteristics... people are weird colors, faces are usually distorted or elongated... But I still kinda like it.

I will have to post some of my "non-funk" art here soon :) I guess I should not say that people are only weird colors in my funk art... because they tend to be weird colors in general really... but, they still have a very different feel about them. I don't really know how to describe it. I will just have to post some soon.