Monday, September 11, 2006

I would never write...

This weeks writing prompt for Sunday Scribblings is "I would never write". WEll... This week I have a lot of things on my mind, but one major thing comes to mind. And when it all came up I sat in silence and said nothing to defend myself. I weakly tried to explain some things but I knew it would not change anything. I went home and thought about it all during the week and now, a week later I do feel like I have a lot to say. Part of this person's issue was that I choose to share so much in my blogs over the internet.... And although I needed to vent and write to clear my mind I never did because I was scared to at first. Well, now with this prompt I will say some of the things that "I would never write". You can also see more scribblings here

I would never write about how frustrated I am about his whole thing. About how you took everything I have said and done and twisted it around to make it into something it is not. And I am even more frustrated because you honestly think that is the way it was. You really really don't know who I am at all.

I would never write that although I can see your points on some things I still do not agree with them. And that because you have control over certain things in my life I have complied with some of what you wanted even if I did not want to. I took down some of the things that were of such concern to you because I saw how some people could see it the wrong way... Now I regret it. I am ANGRY that I compromised what I believe to submit to someone else's beliefs of what I need to be in my life. I took them down, and that is all I can do. The other things you want me to "work on" do not in my mind need any attention at this time.

I would never write that after I was let go, one of my girls wrote me a note telling me that I was the ONLY one who understood her and that I have made a difference... That even though I am not the "right kind of influence" it seems like I was able to make a connection with someone who needed me, and this happened because I do not quite fit that mold you are looking for. If I was one of the other cookie cutter leaders who all think and act the same way this girl would not have felt understood or loved or felt that it is OK to feel the way she does.

I would never write that I have lived through these kinds of judgments my whole life and even if you are unhappy with who I am and what I am doing I am actually getting happier. I feel better, and free. I know what is in my heart even if your judgment has been clouded by your vision.

I would never write that this is why I hated living in Utah, and why my time in high school was HELL to me. Everyone thought they were so good and righteous, when really they were no better than any one else. I am not saying that about you, because I know differently. Your heart is in the right place but your ears are not listening and your eyes do not see.

I would never write that the thought of severing all ties with these people you so disapprove of kills me. I cannot do it, you have no idea who and what they are to me. They were the light at the end of my tunnel more times than I can name. They saved me and I owe them more than a quick, simple good-bye. I owe them a continued friendship, even though you can not see through what you believe about that.

I will write that I thank you for your concern, I know your intentions are good. I just hope that you are able to open your eyes a little and think outside of this box for a bit. In your position you need to be able to view things from other peoples perspectives aside from your own. You will never be able to relate to someone if you cannot try to see their life through their eyes. Your job is NOT to tell us what we are doing wrong and force us to comply. You are here to help us along our journey, give council and if ever there were a time that someone would come to you needing your guidance then it is your job to guide. I really think that you are good at what you do, and I appreciate having you there. I know you are doing the best that you know have... But understand I am too.