Utah **warning... lots of photo's** and lame story writing :)

Well, we went to Utah about a week and a half ago. We were there from Wednesday (night) to Sunday (got home sunday night). Chad had some work to do while we were there, (infact that is the whole reason we went) which left me sitting at my parents house with no car Thursday and Friday... But, even though I did not see any friends or visit with anyone, I still had a good time with my kids and my family.

Thursday morning My mom and I took the kids on a walk to the farm that is down the hill from their house. There were new spring lambs for the kids to see. Six of them to be exact, and from the looks of it a few of the sheep were still pregnant. We fed them carrots and celery. It reminds me of the Wonder Pets and the episode where they saved the baby sheep, and shared celery at the end... What?!?! You don't watch the Wonder Pets??? What is WRONG with you? ;)





And now... Behold the random photo's I took of fences on our walk.




On the way home we passed by many wonderful sites, and even magical beasts! These fluffy white things are the buds from a wishing tree... Whatever, this is MY story and if I say its a wishing tree then it is.



Next we came to a forest of Purple Flower Tree's (that is really what they are called).



I discovered, quite by accident that if you smelled their aroma too deeply they turned you into a giant, kinda like the mushrooms in Wonderland...



After a few minutes the effects of the flower tree's wore off, and we continued on up the hill towards home. It was then that we encountered a ferocious lion!



I ran as fast as I could and stopped just below a tree. I looked up and saw Faeries! They tried to hide by wrapping themselves up inside their wings...




I didn't want to disturb the Faeries so I continued on up the hill, eventually making it home to my parents house. This is the view of the mountains out their front door... there are clouds in the way, but whatever... tomorrow I will have a much better photo. But this one is the last one I took on our walk :)



And that my friends, is the end of this entry... my eyes are tired. I hope you enjoyed the photo's of our little walk. And incase you have not figured it out yet, all the photo's are clickable so you can see them bigger.

xoxoxo

Im still here!!!

I have just had a lot of things going on the last few weeks :) But I am still here, I am alive, and I am well. Thanks for your emails and concern, I really am good I am sorry I have been absent for so long.

I have many things to blog about and catch up on... it will probably take a few posts or people will get bored and start to yawn. :) So, I will start with my Mom and Sister coming to visit a few weeks ago.

It was Hye Soo's (my super hot little sister) spring break in the beginning of march and she and my mom drove down to Arizona to visit all of us who live out here. We went and saw the Body Worlds exhibit *soooo cool* We ate delicious food (thanks mom for buying me Bajio's *yum*) we ate not so delicious food... Chuckie Cheese pizza is nastay! And somehow the sister and I ate the whole damn thing by ourselves. The kids were smart enough to know that it was toxic, but holy shenanigans they were adorable while we were there. Observe:



You can click any of these to see them bigger...

We also got all the ladies in the family together one night for a little beading party. We are the kind of family that gets together and makes stuff... People who are not from our family or who don't make things themselves often find it strange. Like the time everyone made paper mache fish out of milk jugs, just so we could hang them from the ceiling. Mine ended up being my "mailbox" for valentines in 4th grade. Do you remember making you mailbox so that people could deliver your valentines to your desk in school? Yeah, mine was a big pink and red fish with purple lips and a HUGE open mouth so that it could swallow all the little notes and cards. :) But I digress, I was talking about the beading party. Here, why don't you take a little gander. The photo's are dark but you can see the fun, or maybe you can't ... but trust me, it was there :) The light quality sucked really bad when I took these, so they are kinda grainy. But you get the idea.



Well, that is all for this entry... I have lots more to say so I will most likey post again later tonight... the hubby is camping with his friends so I will be BORED... I could do something productive like clean, but what fun is that? Methinks my time would be much better spent playing around on the internet and eating cookies. Mmmmm cookies.... *drool*

Prayers for a friend

Thea is one of the first bloggers I connected with when I started blogging. She has been an inspiration to me, and a good friend. I was thinking about her earlier today and just could not get her out of my mind, so when I checked her blog I knew why...

I can feel my heart breaking for her as I sit here, and my eyes are stinging as I write this. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as her and her family go through this difficult time.

Finding water... and my voice.

This last week or two have been really weird. I have noticed myself really resisting doing my morning pages, and not wanting to do some of the exercises... And I am not entirely sure why. I *think* I know why sortof... but I am not really sure.

There is this person in my life that does not know where to stop. I mean, this person has crossed some big boundaries with me and keeps pushing. I feel like they are about to push me over the edge of something really dark and really deep. And the worst part is that this person really believes with all their heart that the things they are telling me, and asking of me are the right things. They have even gone so far as to tell me that it is something that God wants of me. And try as I might I cannot avoid this person forever. This has been going on for over 6 months now and they refuse to back down... I have tried avoiding being places where they might be, like church... or even the neighborhood parks as they live only houses away from me. But not attending Church does me no good at all, so when I go I end up ducking around corners to not be seen. I have tried to gently explain why these things that are being told to me may be correct to other people, but it does not apply to me. I have tried to bury my stress and confusion with this matter in huge quantities of chocolate and Dr. Pepper... All that has accomplished is an extra 10 pounds. So... I finally just feel like I have hit a wall. I have allowed this person to leach the life out of me, to criticize all the parts of me that make me feel like an individual, to judge things that are foreign and therefor scary to them. All this they have done with the best of intentions which I appreciate but can no longer deal with. I feel like someone drowning. I am floating in a pool of all these words unspoken and choking on their silence.

I need to go in and just say it. Tell this person that I *do* appreciate what they are trying to do, that the intention has not gone unnoticed... But that they will stop now. There will be no more questions. No more council as to what this person believes needs to happen in my life. This person will know that they have far overstepped a boundary with me and I will have no more of it. When it is all typed out like this it seems so easy to do... But when I try to speak, nothing will come. My throat closes and I would be lucky to get a dry, hollow, whisper.

But back to Finding Water... I am struggling with it right now to be honest. I intend to keep on with it but I am going to be honest and say that the last week and a half I have really not been keeping up with it. I have managed a few walks, always with the kids in tow, which is okay. I did get to do one Artists Date the week before last, I got a much needed massage. And I do manage to get almost all of the Divining Rod exercises done. The ones I have not done yet I am really resisting... I need to do the ones where you describe yourself as a character, and also describing and naming my inner critic... Also I need to do one or two still from last week. But I will catch up on those and I have already committed to starting up with my morning pages again tomorrow. So... yeah.

In other area's of my life since it has been so long since I have written an actual blog, Kayden got glasses, his Rx amazingly high (a 10+), each eye doctor was astounded... He is wearing a 6 right now and we will have to go back every month or so to work him up to a higher Rx. But he is oh so cute in them!!!


Kayden and Jett on one of our walks, right after Kayden had his pupils dilated.


Kayden with his super cute glasses :)

I will be back to post more pictures from our walks tomorrow... and perhaps some more revelations into my life :)

No words

No words today...

To see other self portraits go here.

Grow wings...

I have a few more pendants that I finished today... I have to say that I am very excited for how these turned out, I am kind of in love with them to be honest... and I am forcing myself to list them instead of keeping them for myself (like I have ended up doing with so many others I have made). And in case you were wondering, YES! Those are made with *real* butterfly wings. They are from monarch butterflies that have naturally expired (no insects were harmed in the making of these pendants).





They will be up in my Etsy shop sometime tomorrow. I just have to finish figuring out what I want to have the listings say... I really am awful at the whole description thing. But I will get better with practice.

For tomorrow I am only listing these 3 items, but I have many more that are half finished and as soon as I get the replacement tips for my soldering iron I will get them up as well. Also my bottle cap magnets and bracelet are finally ready as well... I had an issue with my resin and had to remake them all. So in these next few days come visit and see what is new over at Gypsy Wings.

For some reason blogger is not letting me post links... it scrambles them up and sends you to nowhere... urg.

Finding Water & The Secret: Checking in

Well, one week ago today I started reading Finding Water with a group of bloggers. I got this book from the wonderful and talented Kristine, she sent it to me for the book swap we participated in over at CaC. I was so touched to receive this book from her and also be invited to join in on this 12 week journey of reading this book with so many other bloggers who are striving to either re-connect or stay in touch with their creative selves.

As part of going through this process you sign a creativity contract with yourself promising to write morning pages, go on a weekly artists date with yourself, and to go on a walk once a week. Last week I missed my morning pages 3 days, and I did not really get out on what I would consider an Artists date... I did however go on a couple walks (with the kids), and find myself creating more and sitting around less.

This week was a bit of an odd one for me though, a little bit overwhelming sometimes. I also watched The Secret one day on top of the morning pages... I think maybe i had a bit of an overload. But it is all really good information, maybe i was just trying to cram it all in too quickly. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. As a result I found myself getting really emotional over absolutely nothing... Or maybe not nothing, maybe I just have not figured out the source of all the emotion yet.

I have been trying really hard to have more patience with my children and just let them play as kids... trying is the key word there. I feel like an absolute maniac some days. Having a 2.5 year old and a 1.5 year old makes me literally feel like running away some days. Let alone having a 5 year old.... but really I have noticed that if I just let go a little bit and breathe it is easier than if I try to control everything, they are kids for crying out loud. And somehow this week with all my meditation on positive energy and thoughts, and writing out all that I am grateful for I have been a bit more relaxed and not so bitchy. That's a good thing :)

After I post this I plan on finishing the last of the exercises from last weeks reading... Somehow I put it off until now, but I am looking forward to it. I have to write a list of ten things that I could try... anything. 10 things that I could try, that would make me stretch and grow as a person, or just make me smile. I am excited to see what I come up with.

And just as some visual candy... I have found myself completely enamored by the sky lately. I look up and see these brilliant splashes of gold and pink and blue. I think one thing I will really miss after I move away is the sunsets.

blurry bliss

I sometimes have to remind myself to enjoy each little moment we have...






Because the moments pass by quickly it can leave it all a blur.






Go see other self portraits here.

Gypsy Wings

FInally!!!!!!

I have my Etsy shop open. Not alot listed yet... i have soooo much to do, but I managed to get a few things up. Many more to come in the next week. I realise that I pretty much suck at writing a description of what I am selling... I will have to work on that. And I thought a long time about pricing before I listed them... I finally decided that the prices I listed were good because the pendants are so time intensive. I hope you like what you see!!!!

www.gypsywings.etsy.com

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated... I am kinda new to this whole thing so please let me know!!!! :)

Thanks!

Just a little bit adorable...

Kael is 19 months old... Even when he is sick and has dried food mashed all over his face, he is still adorable.

Fishnets and a flower

I have my own sense of style... Black baby tee, rolled up jeans... Fishnets and a big flower. Oh, and lets not forget the pendant I made, which is temporarily strung on this lovely necklace that sweet Darlene sent me. :)

And incase you were wondering... Yeah, I do wear my fishnets around town... I love being me! *bliss*

To see other people's Self Portraits go here.

The Ceremony of The Burning Mask

I decided enough was enough. I decided... I am through with this insidious disease, this parasite that infects my mind and causes me to believe things that are untrue. I have made my decision to move on, but to do so I feel it only appropriate that I lay to rest this companion of mine for so long... this constant friend, foe, devil in disguise... I felt that it should be final, there should be a place where its life ceased to exhist and where a new life can emerge from the ashes... Like a Pheonix... Rise up from the ash... Powerful, exhilerating, beautiful... Full of life.

I set about pulling together my tools. Paper, glue, magazine clippings, words... dirt, leaves... An arsenal of things for me to create art with... to make a symbol, to make a statement.

Feverishly I began my work. Knowing somewhere deep inside that it must be done if I ever hoped to be rid of my pain. Feeling a sense of urgency, realizing that this was it... after the deed was done there could be no going back.

As I strung together beads, and pasted together bits of paper, splashing bits of ground micah and earth into the mess... A form began to emerge. Slowly at first, nothing more that a mound of material. Then, almost suddenly it begins to reveal itself. A mask.

This is an old mask... one I have been wearing for years. One that represents the things that eat away at my soul, the things that wear on my mind and break down my body... These things I have been running from for nearly half my life. It has become somewhat of a shrine really. A collection of the dark, the deadly, the poisonous things that have lived too long in my head. And strangly, as I stare down at it... I find it beautiful, attractive, somewhat alluring. I find myself getting choked up at the idea of what I am about to do. I think, perhaps I can just lock it away where it can never be found... I can maybe just hide it and only I will know it is there, afterall this is such an old companion, a familiar friend that I have turned to in my darkest hours. Can I ever really be anything without it? It has always been there, never has it turned me away in a time of need... But NO! I have made my decision.

I quietly open the door and walk to the back yard. I set my mask on the ground at my feet and I sit down next to it. I then pull out a pen and a peice of paper and pour myself out onto the sheet. I write, and I write, and I write... I put down EVERYTHING. The reasons why, the things I could never say out loud. The things I have wanted to scream and cry... The things I have longed to let go of but never could find the courage. I write until I am out of paper, until I have nothing left to say. Nothing left but goodbye.

Folding the paper up into fourths, I place it behind the mask. I take them both and lay them gently in the bottom of my chiminea. I strike a match and set it on top of my mask, my words unspoken, my life before... And watch as it burns. I watch the ashes float up into the sky reaching towards the stars. I watch the paper crumble and turn to ash. I watch until there is nothing left... And then I breathe.

I breathe deeply, and I feel a freedom I have not known in many years... I smile, and I feel the weight lifting. I see there are many roads in front of me that I can take now, I just couldn't see them before through the limited vision I had while I was still wearing the mask.


** I wrote this on February 17th 2006 after I burned my mask... It is written about the battle I have been fighting with an eating disorder for the last 13 years, and the relapse I went into in the beginning of last year... Every day is different, and some are harder than others. In April it will have been a year...

See more "Goodbyes" here

A little sneak peek

Some things I have been working on... Some of the things I will be selling in my Etsy shop... Soon :)

More music

This is the final week of January's Self Portrait Challenge... or maybe the first week of February's, I am not sure. So i did a mix between the two themes. The January theme was/is New Years Resolutions and the February theme is/will be black and white... SO I am doing a resolution in black and white :)

This year I resolve to actually *learn* to play my guitar... real music, write songs, not just play the few chords I know...

Wishes and candles...

Well, I am *finally* getting around to posting for Create a Connection. I don't know where my time has been lately, but I seem to run out of it quickly these days.

As I was going through the different challenges from last week I came across two that I liked very much... The first was Thursday's photo challenge of taking a candle lit photograph, and the second was Saturday's Try day challenge, Making magic happen...

So, first I give you my candle lit photo... not too impressive, but considering I took it at about 2 in the AM with no preparation and no fooling around with the settings on my camera i am not too dissapointed. Also there is no photoshopping on this except for cropping... I am short on time today:)



And what is more appropriate to go along with a candle than wishes??? On Saturday the theme, or challenge for Try Day was to make magic together... to do this we made wishes... Here, I will just cut and paste the actual description of it all here so you can read it...
....................................
I’d like to ask you to both make a wish (as many as you'd like) and to support each other’s wishes. It’s very simple. Just post on your blog something you really, truly, deeply (and maybe even secretly) wish for and leave a comment here to let us all know that you’ve done so.

Then everyone who is participating in Create a Connection, and anyone who sees this post, please go to each and every one of our wishes and in the comments write, “As _______ wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.” Encourage people to go over and do the same.

And just in case people come to your blog who aren’t yet a part of Try Day, feel free to ask them to join in. Just include something like, “For Try Day, I’m posting this wish of mine. A part of the experience is having other people support my dream by including in the comments, “As _____ wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.” I’d love it if you’d take part and help bring my dream come to life.”

There is great power in knowing our dreams, in saying them out loud, in having them witnessed and in the shared enthusiasm of believing in and hoping for each other.
............................................

So, there you have it.... Here is my wish. I wish to be able to manage my time well, so that I can have time to play with my kids, hang out with the hubby, and still have lots of time for my own projects.

So go over to Create a Connection and check out what is happening over there, meet some new lovelies, and have a GREAT day!!!

Look ahead, move forward, dream

I didn't get around to posting a SP last week... I suddenly seem so busy all the time. I have been painting, and working on some new idea's for that Etsy shop I keep talking about... soon I will open it... soon.



Anyhow, my Resolution this week is to move forward... Look ahead... Keep dreaming, and make those dreams happen.

Have a wonderful week!!!

Oh, and for those of you wondering... Yes! Yes, I did change my hair color. :)

Arizona makes my eye twitch...

Urrrrggg! And Pfft! And @#*&!!!!!!!! Arizona really irritates me sometimes. A couple posts ago I talked about how this year I was applying to become a surrogate... well, it turns out I cannot become a surrogate simply because of the state I live in.

I was getting ready to fill out the application for surrogacy when off to the side I noticed a little section that had a few states listed in it. On closer inspection it said that if you lived in any of those states you could not be elligible. Arizona was the 3rd state listed. So, I checked a couple other sites and sure enough Arizona is one of the states where the laws are written in such a way as to completely prohibit surrogacy. SO STUPID! I honestly do not understand why.

So, I suppose at least for the time being my plans of becoming a surrogate are on hold... Perhaps once I move to Utah. Utah was only listed on one of the web pages as a state they could not work with... And a google search did not turn info on the matter like it did for Arizona. My thoughts *hopes* are that Utah is a state that allows surrogacy... maybe the laws are a little tighter or whatever and that is why that once clinic does not work with Utah surrogates... I will have to keep investigating this matter as it is something that i *really really* want to do.

I am trying to not be too upset about it though. The way I figure it, when the time is right it will all happen. I will keep positive and continue researching my options.

And on a different note... Several bloggers have talked about the movie The Secret and for literally months now I have been saying to myself, "Self, you need to watch that!" So the other day I am driving and they are talking about it on the radio and I think again, that I HAVE to watch it... Then that night at work I massage my boss and after she gives me a gift... I open it up and right there in my hands is the move The Secret!!! So, I am going to watch that movie and soak up all that it says. I am going to apply it all to my life and just see where it will all lead me to.

A resolution for the new year...

Many thoughts in my head today...

There are so many thoughts I have had going through my head these last few weeks, these last months... So many things I want to get started on, to get done.

I have idea's and no idea how to make them happen... I only know that in order to get them done I must put one foot in front of the other and take a step. This post is most likely going to be very scatterbrained and there will probably be no connection from one paragraph to the next so bear with me... I am writing it mainly to just get it out there, I will work on refining it all after I jut get it all out.


I have spent most of last year getting in touch with the more artistic and creative side of myself that I had pushed to the side for too many years. I know that I am more whole with this part of me coming back out. I want now to do something more with this than create gifts for friends and family, more than just scrapbooking and making cards... More than just the occasional painting or pencil drawing. Now I just need to figure the steps out and take them. I have been OBSESSED with the thought of learning lampwork for over 2 years now, and have yet to actually go out and learn... I would like to finally do that this year, along with many other idea's I have floating around in my brain.

Last year (that feels weird to say, I am not used to this being a new year yet...) I was blessed with some amazing friendships. I was able to get in contact with some very old, very close friends with whom I had somehow fallen out of contact with. This happened at a very good time for me, a time when I really needed people in my life who knew me and knew what it was that I needed of them. I was also lucky enough to find some new friends who have also been a huge support to me. I look back at last year and I just feel so blessed by it all. I know in this year my friendships will continue to grow and I am going to put a greater effort into getting to know new people... You never know when you will meet someone who will have a profound effect on your life, and you never know just how you can effect someone else's. I never would have thought that some of the people i have connected with would have such an impact, but they have and I am thankful.

An on a completely different subject, we have decided to move *for sure* to Utah this year. It wont happen for some time still, but when we were there over Christmas my husband was able to secure his job transfer. So... sometime this year we will be making a HUGE move. A good move we both think, but still a little scary. There is much to do before we can sell the house, before Chad can leave his position here in Arizona and transfer to the office in Utah... but we have already begun on the first steps and THAT is a good feeling.

Another thing I have spent a large amount of time thinking about is having another baby... Now, I do not want to have another of my own... I want to be a surrogate. I have had many many friends who have had difficulties conceiving, and I remember in the summer I was walking one night and the thought popped into my head that I should be a surrogate. Immediatly I thought to myself "Self, you are CRAZY... You just thought that being pregnant again and having someone elses child is a good idea!" And then I said back to myself... "Self, why would that not be a good idea???" And I began thinking, really thinking about it. And to be honest I could not think of any really great reasons why it would not be a fantastic idea. So.... A couple weeks ago I finally got serious about it and started researching it. And, I have found several places that I am looking at now to send in an application :) The only thing I forsee being any kind of an issue at this point is that at this point I have no health insurance and that is something I would need to have, and also that we would be moving towards the end of this year and if things go like I would want them to, I would be pregnant at that time... Not too huge of a deal really, many families who choose a surrogate choose one from out of state anyways. So... yeah I am seriously seriously considering becoming a surrogate, and if for some reason that did not work out I will do egg donation... Maybe I will do egg donation first to come up with the money to pay for health insurance so I can be a surrogate... Hmmmmm... :)

Alot to think about, alot to do... Many steps to take. I imagine by the end of 2007 I will have walked many many miles.